Possibility

I have been working a part time job to get ahead on some bills.

About ten years ago, I was doing the same thing - I had just graduated from college, got an entry level position at a firm, but was not making enough so I got a part time job.

I hated it. I hated having to spread myself so thin to get a decent living income. I wished for a higher salary.

Low and behold, I switched careers and was given the wages I requested.

Well, that was ten years ago, and of course my tastes and my desires have changed. I am once again working a part time job so I can earn a little extra income. I find this frustrating and very wasteful of my time. Sounds snooty, but that's how I feel.

The other night I'm watching a piece on Oprah. Oprah was talking about something about while she struggled as a child, grew up poor and the like, that she had made pretty decent money all her adult life. And then of course, her talk show took off and she made amazing money.

At first, her comment made me angry. Well, aren't you special, you fucking bitch. Oh, I know you've never really struggled. In fact, you didn't struggle at all - at 25 you were syndicated. Fuck you. Everything has been handed quite nicely to you, hasn't it? Poor little molested girl - I think things have been more than made up to you for your troubles from your youth.

The next day, I was sharing this with a co-worker of mine. As I've mentioned, I work as a kitchen designer for a major home improvement warehouse. The particular location that I work at is considered one of the fancier stores in the chain. However, we are a smaller volume, and as a result have fewer employees. Which means I have to stock and face shelves for items such as faucets, large vanity cabinets, and my all time favorite - toilet seats.

For the most part, I like my job and feel I have been relatively blessed with my income and avoiding any company layoffs. However, this stocking part of the job just makes me livid. It makes me feel so unprofessional - like, why did I bother going to college if I was going to be doing this? Not that I'm above it ... but. Yeah, I think I'm above it.

OK, so, as I'm stocking shelves with a co-worker, I'm feeling especially angry. Why am I here? I don't feel like I'm living up to my potential, friends and family tell me they don't think I'm living up to my potential in this job ... so what keeps my here? Why do i do this to myself?

And then I got thinking about Oprah, how she's been discussing shows and programming and fun things like that for her job, and not doing such grunt work as this. In fact, she was even relating a story about how in the early days of the show, she would stop at Dunkin Donuts to get donuts to entice audience members to come in and watch the show. She even laughed and said, "I mean, imagine. Me! Having to stop and get donuts!" As if she's never had to do anything so beneath her in all her life.

So as I'm stocking shelves, feeling like this is totally beneath my skill level, I'm just fuming over Oprah being amazed at having to buy some fucking donuts. Oh, the horror! Did you even have to *gasp* STAND IN LINE! Oh no!

OK, so I'm relating this to my co-worker. And he shakes his head, and says, "So, she's really never had to struggle."

"EXACTLY!" I exclaim. "I think that's what drove me the craziest about it. She just started doing, and it just happened. 'I remember the first time I got a check for a million dollars.' she recalls. I'm thinking, the first time? Honey, most of us never see that number! EVer!" I go on a bit longer about the indignity of her never having had to struggle. And how much I have had to struggle.

And then something hits me.

How long do I have to continue struggling?

I suddenly realized that my life hasn't opened up like hers because I have this picture in my head that in order to have success, I must struggle. And that there is a certain amount of struggle that is needed before I can succeed.

Well ... what is that number?

How many years contstitutes 'enough' of a struggle? As it is, I'm 37 right now, soon to be 38, soon to be 40, hopefully some day 45.

Well, I don't want to be struggling like this into my 40s. I want my 40s to be fun and easy.

I suddenly thought about all the good that Oprah has been able to do with her wealth, the impact that - whether you like her or not - she has made on people and the world. And I thought - which path is better? Struggling, trying to make ends meet? Or allowing, and reaping benefits not only for myself but for others?

It was then that I realized that maybe I could let go of focusing on whether or not I've struggled enough to appease others. Afterall, what will be their definition of "enough struggle"? I can't possibly hit everyone's interpretation of the appropriate amount of struggle. And what good comes of it? Do I win an award for the most struggled person on the planet? Will people love me more for having swatted away opportunity after opportunity so I can nobly say, "No. that would be too easy. I must ... struggle!"

It occurred to me then that, maybe, I could just allow my fate to unfold. That, maybe, I could allow good things to happen to me. That it's possible I have struggled enough.

That's all I have for today. Thanks for listening. Until next time.