Taming the Hose

I am getting a little bit more into the Debtor's Anonymous program.

I think it is going to be helpful.

Last week I had this image in my head of me and my money and energy like this giant live wire that's been ripped down just flailing and flopping dangerously, spraying sparks everywhere.

This past week, that image morphed into a fire hose that was flying around in it's own too. However, the source of the chaos that was feeding that fire hose seemed to get shut off. Because it then just kind of laid onto the ground. It trickled out some water that was still left in it (i've got some bills I need to get under control), so while the stream is still kind of there, for the most part it feels like there's going to be a way to correct it.

I feel happier and more settled. Thanks for listening. Until next time.

It's Time

I have been listening to Debtor's Anonymous phone meetings for the last five days.

I am ready now to begin this journey.

I feel really quite blessed, actually, that I am taking this step before I get too far gone.

Or, maybe this step has presented itself because I am close to being too far gone.

Either way, I am grateful. I am going to check out a local meeting tonight so I can pick my home base meeting. But the phone meetings are really helpful. I've learned a lot by just quietly listening.

I'm going to be entering more data today into my spreadsheet. This has turned out to be the most helpful tool - I am visual, and visually seeing where my money goes is proving to be very helpful.

Thanks for listening. Until next time.

Spreadsheets

Last night I had Mike teach me how to do a spreadsheet on Excel.

This is one of the main reasons why I have not joined DA yet - for them to know you are serious, you have to have recorded your spending for at least two weeks.

Truth is, I have been tracking all my receipts religiously for the last four months. Actually, longer. But I have not known what to do with them.

Mike went throught the templates and found one he thought would be best for me. As usual, I got mad and said, I need to do this! I need to figure this out!

So I looked over a few, and then realized, actually, yes; the one he picked was the best option for me.

I spent my first ever Saturday night entering data. It took a while and I was playing with it's format and personalizing it's titles to fit my spending habits. But i really liked it. I feel I can move forward now with tracking my daily spending.

I feel hopeful.

DA

OK. Here it is.

I can't stand my job anymore. It takes me about 45 minutes to get there by train, I work an eight hour shift and get a one hour lunch ... combine all that, and I am wasting half of every day at this job that I no longer like. It used to be a fun job, a nice job that I enjoyed and felt paid me well. Now I feel like it's this giant drain on my energy. However, just to complete this picture of me being a complete whiney bastard, I have not searched for other jobs. So I'm just being a whiney, self-pitying bitch. Yesterday I called in sick.

Was I really sick? Um, sort of. I did spend Thursday night dry heaving and not being able to keep anything down. Was that still true Friday morning when it came time to get ready for work? Well, no. I still didn't feel well, and I've had other days when I've gone to work and just kind of quietly gotten sick in the bathroom and then gone back out onto the sales floor. But yesterday i just couldn't do it. I just could not drag myself into work.

So, I stay home. I call my boss and tell her I am sick and won't be coming in today. I feel like a kid when this happens, asking for permission. She says OK... but I could be in trouble. Yesterday was Friday. Thursday was my day off. I had also called in sick on Wednesday. This was for personal reasons.

If you are still reading by this point then you are more patient than I, cuz I would have said, this chick is a whiney, full of shit brat. And you'd be right. Something has to change. It seems that it needs to be me.

I stayed home and called in to a few Debtors Anonymous meetings. There were three yesterday, and my work schedule is random and I can't really schedule these into my day.

I think that's what frustrates me most about my job - I actually enjoy what I do, I just hate that I have no control over my schedule. Friends of mine can schedule long lunches or other things in with their work day. I have to be at work, sitting doing nothing if it's dead, but I have to be there. I hate this. I feel like such a child.

Anyway, this is about joining Debtor's Anonymous. I had gone to a couple meetings last fall, thought, oh, this is nice, but I really just need to get a paycheck ahead, I don't need all this hullaballoo. No. I need the hullaballoo. I am out of control. Something has got to change.

As I was listening to the meetings yesterday, they mentioned living on the edge financially. I am definitely doing that right now. In fact, calling in sick to work yesterday was living on the edge - I don't have enough sick time, and I still called off. What are they gonna do about it? I realized yesterday I was challenging them. And while I may not like my job, I'm not sure I really want to be fired from it. Or maybe I do. Maybe that's the only way I'll quit.

I'm not going to whine anymore about this today. Thanks for listening. The fact is, I need to get a DA sponsor. I feel like I need to get a sponsor to tell my employer not to fire me. Talk about being a little kid. I just realized all this as I wrote it, and I need to go absorb it. Again, thanks for listening. Until next time.