Possibility

I have been working a part time job to get ahead on some bills.

About ten years ago, I was doing the same thing - I had just graduated from college, got an entry level position at a firm, but was not making enough so I got a part time job.

I hated it. I hated having to spread myself so thin to get a decent living income. I wished for a higher salary.

Low and behold, I switched careers and was given the wages I requested.

Well, that was ten years ago, and of course my tastes and my desires have changed. I am once again working a part time job so I can earn a little extra income. I find this frustrating and very wasteful of my time. Sounds snooty, but that's how I feel.

The other night I'm watching a piece on Oprah. Oprah was talking about something about while she struggled as a child, grew up poor and the like, that she had made pretty decent money all her adult life. And then of course, her talk show took off and she made amazing money.

At first, her comment made me angry. Well, aren't you special, you fucking bitch. Oh, I know you've never really struggled. In fact, you didn't struggle at all - at 25 you were syndicated. Fuck you. Everything has been handed quite nicely to you, hasn't it? Poor little molested girl - I think things have been more than made up to you for your troubles from your youth.

The next day, I was sharing this with a co-worker of mine. As I've mentioned, I work as a kitchen designer for a major home improvement warehouse. The particular location that I work at is considered one of the fancier stores in the chain. However, we are a smaller volume, and as a result have fewer employees. Which means I have to stock and face shelves for items such as faucets, large vanity cabinets, and my all time favorite - toilet seats.

For the most part, I like my job and feel I have been relatively blessed with my income and avoiding any company layoffs. However, this stocking part of the job just makes me livid. It makes me feel so unprofessional - like, why did I bother going to college if I was going to be doing this? Not that I'm above it ... but. Yeah, I think I'm above it.

OK, so, as I'm stocking shelves with a co-worker, I'm feeling especially angry. Why am I here? I don't feel like I'm living up to my potential, friends and family tell me they don't think I'm living up to my potential in this job ... so what keeps my here? Why do i do this to myself?

And then I got thinking about Oprah, how she's been discussing shows and programming and fun things like that for her job, and not doing such grunt work as this. In fact, she was even relating a story about how in the early days of the show, she would stop at Dunkin Donuts to get donuts to entice audience members to come in and watch the show. She even laughed and said, "I mean, imagine. Me! Having to stop and get donuts!" As if she's never had to do anything so beneath her in all her life.

So as I'm stocking shelves, feeling like this is totally beneath my skill level, I'm just fuming over Oprah being amazed at having to buy some fucking donuts. Oh, the horror! Did you even have to *gasp* STAND IN LINE! Oh no!

OK, so I'm relating this to my co-worker. And he shakes his head, and says, "So, she's really never had to struggle."

"EXACTLY!" I exclaim. "I think that's what drove me the craziest about it. She just started doing, and it just happened. 'I remember the first time I got a check for a million dollars.' she recalls. I'm thinking, the first time? Honey, most of us never see that number! EVer!" I go on a bit longer about the indignity of her never having had to struggle. And how much I have had to struggle.

And then something hits me.

How long do I have to continue struggling?

I suddenly realized that my life hasn't opened up like hers because I have this picture in my head that in order to have success, I must struggle. And that there is a certain amount of struggle that is needed before I can succeed.

Well ... what is that number?

How many years contstitutes 'enough' of a struggle? As it is, I'm 37 right now, soon to be 38, soon to be 40, hopefully some day 45.

Well, I don't want to be struggling like this into my 40s. I want my 40s to be fun and easy.

I suddenly thought about all the good that Oprah has been able to do with her wealth, the impact that - whether you like her or not - she has made on people and the world. And I thought - which path is better? Struggling, trying to make ends meet? Or allowing, and reaping benefits not only for myself but for others?

It was then that I realized that maybe I could let go of focusing on whether or not I've struggled enough to appease others. Afterall, what will be their definition of "enough struggle"? I can't possibly hit everyone's interpretation of the appropriate amount of struggle. And what good comes of it? Do I win an award for the most struggled person on the planet? Will people love me more for having swatted away opportunity after opportunity so I can nobly say, "No. that would be too easy. I must ... struggle!"

It occurred to me then that, maybe, I could just allow my fate to unfold. That, maybe, I could allow good things to happen to me. That it's possible I have struggled enough.

That's all I have for today. Thanks for listening. Until next time.

Taming the Hose

I am getting a little bit more into the Debtor's Anonymous program.

I think it is going to be helpful.

Last week I had this image in my head of me and my money and energy like this giant live wire that's been ripped down just flailing and flopping dangerously, spraying sparks everywhere.

This past week, that image morphed into a fire hose that was flying around in it's own too. However, the source of the chaos that was feeding that fire hose seemed to get shut off. Because it then just kind of laid onto the ground. It trickled out some water that was still left in it (i've got some bills I need to get under control), so while the stream is still kind of there, for the most part it feels like there's going to be a way to correct it.

I feel happier and more settled. Thanks for listening. Until next time.

It's Time

I have been listening to Debtor's Anonymous phone meetings for the last five days.

I am ready now to begin this journey.

I feel really quite blessed, actually, that I am taking this step before I get too far gone.

Or, maybe this step has presented itself because I am close to being too far gone.

Either way, I am grateful. I am going to check out a local meeting tonight so I can pick my home base meeting. But the phone meetings are really helpful. I've learned a lot by just quietly listening.

I'm going to be entering more data today into my spreadsheet. This has turned out to be the most helpful tool - I am visual, and visually seeing where my money goes is proving to be very helpful.

Thanks for listening. Until next time.

Spreadsheets

Last night I had Mike teach me how to do a spreadsheet on Excel.

This is one of the main reasons why I have not joined DA yet - for them to know you are serious, you have to have recorded your spending for at least two weeks.

Truth is, I have been tracking all my receipts religiously for the last four months. Actually, longer. But I have not known what to do with them.

Mike went throught the templates and found one he thought would be best for me. As usual, I got mad and said, I need to do this! I need to figure this out!

So I looked over a few, and then realized, actually, yes; the one he picked was the best option for me.

I spent my first ever Saturday night entering data. It took a while and I was playing with it's format and personalizing it's titles to fit my spending habits. But i really liked it. I feel I can move forward now with tracking my daily spending.

I feel hopeful.

DA

OK. Here it is.

I can't stand my job anymore. It takes me about 45 minutes to get there by train, I work an eight hour shift and get a one hour lunch ... combine all that, and I am wasting half of every day at this job that I no longer like. It used to be a fun job, a nice job that I enjoyed and felt paid me well. Now I feel like it's this giant drain on my energy. However, just to complete this picture of me being a complete whiney bastard, I have not searched for other jobs. So I'm just being a whiney, self-pitying bitch. Yesterday I called in sick.

Was I really sick? Um, sort of. I did spend Thursday night dry heaving and not being able to keep anything down. Was that still true Friday morning when it came time to get ready for work? Well, no. I still didn't feel well, and I've had other days when I've gone to work and just kind of quietly gotten sick in the bathroom and then gone back out onto the sales floor. But yesterday i just couldn't do it. I just could not drag myself into work.

So, I stay home. I call my boss and tell her I am sick and won't be coming in today. I feel like a kid when this happens, asking for permission. She says OK... but I could be in trouble. Yesterday was Friday. Thursday was my day off. I had also called in sick on Wednesday. This was for personal reasons.

If you are still reading by this point then you are more patient than I, cuz I would have said, this chick is a whiney, full of shit brat. And you'd be right. Something has to change. It seems that it needs to be me.

I stayed home and called in to a few Debtors Anonymous meetings. There were three yesterday, and my work schedule is random and I can't really schedule these into my day.

I think that's what frustrates me most about my job - I actually enjoy what I do, I just hate that I have no control over my schedule. Friends of mine can schedule long lunches or other things in with their work day. I have to be at work, sitting doing nothing if it's dead, but I have to be there. I hate this. I feel like such a child.

Anyway, this is about joining Debtor's Anonymous. I had gone to a couple meetings last fall, thought, oh, this is nice, but I really just need to get a paycheck ahead, I don't need all this hullaballoo. No. I need the hullaballoo. I am out of control. Something has got to change.

As I was listening to the meetings yesterday, they mentioned living on the edge financially. I am definitely doing that right now. In fact, calling in sick to work yesterday was living on the edge - I don't have enough sick time, and I still called off. What are they gonna do about it? I realized yesterday I was challenging them. And while I may not like my job, I'm not sure I really want to be fired from it. Or maybe I do. Maybe that's the only way I'll quit.

I'm not going to whine anymore about this today. Thanks for listening. The fact is, I need to get a DA sponsor. I feel like I need to get a sponsor to tell my employer not to fire me. Talk about being a little kid. I just realized all this as I wrote it, and I need to go absorb it. Again, thanks for listening. Until next time.

Wanna Know What My Status Is?

Wanna know what my status is? What my financial status is?

I'm broke bitches.

That's it. That's my status.

I make about $42,000 a year, I have $35,000 in debt including my student loan balance.

I am in over my head. I'd be doing OK if it weren't for the debt.

That's probably a little redundant, huh.

I attended some Debtors Anonymous meetings. Two, to be exact. I am afraid to commit to them. I joined one "Improve Your Life" gang a year or so ago and quit because it got feeling a little cult-ish. I am afraid of the same thing happening here.

Actually, no. That's not what I'm afraid of. Here's what it is:

I join these groups. For everyone else in the group, they have a support system in place - they have a spouse, kids, friends.

As I wrote that last statement, I realized that I doubt that there's a single person on this planet who completely feels that everyone in their life is perfectly supportive at any given moment of any given day. Most people I bet feel their spouse could do a little bit better. Or that the kids are a drain on their resources - both emotional and financial. I know, I know, kids are wonderful and a joy. But there are moments, even among the most All Loving And Perfect of you out there, that there are times, when even *you* just want the kids to shut the #$@#%@! up. Admit it. It's OK. Tell the truth. OK, don't. Liar.

Anyway, so I've been feeling all mopey that if I join Debtors Anonymous, I will have once again surrounded myself with people who are focused on a goal, but WHO WILL WANT TO GO TO A MOVIE WITH ME???!!! HUH? WHO'S GOING TO WANT TO GO CHECK OUT THE NEW HAWAIIAN FUSION RESTAURANT ON SATURDAY???? ANYONE? ANYONE? OK FINE FORGET IT I HATE YOU GUYS!

OK, so, maybe I need to just allow that the support group is for that specific area of my life, and I need to get a little better at having different parts moving at the same time. I've never really been good at this. Some people are really good at spinning ten or twenty different plates at one time. I ... am not. I spin one plate. And then I have to stop that plate if I want to spin a different one. So I stop the first plate and then spin the second plate.

I have to become a better plate spinner.

That's it. That's my entry for today. I just realized that I put a lot onto some things that don't necessarily warrant what I put on to them.

It's time I join Debtors Anonymous.

Thanks for listening. Until next time.

The Trainwreck Also Called My Financial Status

The New Year is upon us, and I am reassessing areas of my life. Just like everybody esle.

My money's a mess. There is no way around this.

I have to get help with it. I have a group I plan to start doing with with after the new year.

I have small side business ventures to work on. I also have things aroudn the house I want done as well. I don't know how to manage all of these items, and yet I feel like learning to get to all of them is critical for my success and for the next stage of my life, which starts with the toll of the midnight bells on New Years.

Here's a win: I was in Northern Wisconsin with my family the last couple days. My Dad had invited me, and even though I am in my 30s, whenever we do anything as a family, I have always felt, "Let Dad pay for me. That bastard owes me." For what, I don't know. General parental pain and suffering, I suppose.

This time, however, I had my own cash. I did not borrow any from my friend Mike. I used my own money; and it was exhilerating.

Money relates to my relationships, because you see, as long as my friend Mike helps me out financially, even though we are friends and not in a physical relationship, I feel obligated to him. Read: no dating anyone.

Which does make sense, right? I'd sound even shittier and more of a POS if I were dating other guys and receiving financial benefits from this guy.

So you see, the sooner I get financially on my feet, the sooner I can move on with my life. As I've mentioned before, and will mention again if for no other reason that to remind myself, I have been financially indpendent. I just got lucky, if you will, had someone who was willing to help, and have never let go. 2010 is the year I need to let go. I just want to let go slowly, instead of all at once.

Thanks for listening. Until next time.